On Relating & Connecting: The "Small Steps" Secret
How Micro-Commitments Build Thriving Communities
Have you noticed how the most vibrant communities around you—whether they're neighborhood associations, online forums, or your local Village gatherings—share an invisible structure? It's not their mission statements or charismatic leaders that make them successful. Rather, it's something far more subtle: carefully designed pathways of small, progressive commitments that transform casual participants into dedicated community members.
This idea isn't just feel-good community theory. Robert Cialdini, in his landmark work "Influence: Science and Practice," documented how small initial commitments create a psychological tendency toward consistent future behavior. Once we take a small step, we're far more likely to take larger ones in the same direction. Smart communities—like our Villages—leverage this principle by creating what researchers call "participation ladders"—sequences of gradually increasing involvement that naturally build stronger bonds over time.
Jennifer Preece and Ben Shneiderman formalized this concept in their "Reader-to-Leader Framework." They found that successful communities follow a predictable pattern: members progress from passive consumption to active contribution to collaboration to leadership. Each step is small enough to feel manageable yet meaningful enough to create deeper connection. This pattern appears repeatedly in thriving communities, both digital and physical.
This framework is beautifully evident in Village gatherings, where members can start by simply attending, then gradually take on more involved roles—from participating in Community Connections to leading a Grounding or Acknowledgement, and eventually hosting entire gatherings. As many Village Builders have shared in our Core sessions, this graduated approach allows people to find their comfort zone and then gently expand it at their own pace.
Relationship expert John Gottman's research offers another fascinating parallel. Though focused on couples, his finding that "small things often" build trust more effectively than "grand gestures rarely" applies perfectly to community contexts.
Villages that create regular opportunities for small contributions—bringing snacks to a meeting, commenting thoughtfully during Open Space, answering a newcomer's question—develop stronger bonds than those that only offer occasional high-commitment opportunities.
So what's the takeaway for anyone looking to build stronger connections in their own Village? Think small.
Rather than expecting members to make major commitments immediately, create clear pathways for incremental participation. When someone new attends a gathering, invite them to take on a simple role next time.
Celebrate each small contribution. Remember that the journey from visitor to host isn't made in a single leap—it's built through a series of small, meaningful steps that gradually deepen connection and belonging.
As we've seen across our Village network, those small commitments aren't just busywork—they're the very framework of belonging that we all instinctively seek in our increasingly disconnected world. By honoring each person's journey and celebrating their incremental contributions, we create communities that aren't just sustainable but also feel truly connected.
Questions:
What “invisible structures” are supporting you in your family or personal life?
Do you have any experience with an organization which is doing “small things often”?
Do you agree that it’s important to “think small”? Why, or why not?
References
Robert Cialdini's work on commitment and consistency:
Primary source: Cialdini, R. B. (2009). Influence: Science and Practice (5th ed.). Pearson Education.
Academic article on the principle: https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167208316691 (Guadagno, R. E., & Cialdini, R. B. (2010). Preference for consistency and social influence. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin.)
Preece & Shneiderman's Reader-to-Leader Framework:
Primary source: https://www.cs.umd.edu/~ben/papers/Jennifer2009Reader.pdf
DOI link: https://doi.org/10.17705/1thci.00005
John Gottman's research on "small things often":
Book reference: Gottman, J. M. (2011). The Science of Trust: Emotional Attunement for Couples. W. W. Norton & Company.
This is really helpful. I see how it is a small step towards ideas of community economies and commitment pooling. I think we need to find smaller and more basic increments similar to inviting a visitor. Or reaching out to another person. or posting on socials. or helping setup chairs. in quaker communities I've noticed that broadly volunteering and joining a committee is a way that is offered for people to become prat of the community and signals that they are committed and trustworthy. so I think that doing things especially reliably is a way to signal to others you're serious, and yourself feel more part of it
Yes - I whole heartedly agree. Small but meaningful steps create a very solid foundation of trust and identity. In my start-up this is what we are creating. A product with a brand that is conceptually and organizationally sustainable. You can't underestimate the small but powerful trust-building efforts!