On Relating & Connecting: The Liking Gap

Reality vs Imagination: Are you appreciated as little as you imagine? Or more than you know?

Conversations with new people can feel like stepping into the unknown - excitement over making a potential connection plus the awkward dance of small talk.

But, let’s be real: those first steps with a new acquaintance can also leave us questioning everything. Was I funny enough? Did I share too much about my cat? Did they like me? Was I too awkward? Did I accidentally offend them by asking about their favorite pizza topping??

It turns out, most of us misread how others perceive us in these interactions. It’s true!

The Liking Gap

Research reveals a fascinating phenomenon called the liking gap: meaning that after talking with someone new, we tend to underestimate how much they like us and enjoy our company. Yep, even when we think we botched it, our conversation partners often walk away with a more positive impression than we imagine. That’s good news, right!?

Image 1 from Soph’s Notes on YouTube

Why Does This Happen?

For starters, we’re really harsh on ourselves. While we’re busy replaying our own silly jokes or awkward silences, the other person is likely focusing on the overall connection - and it’s usually much better than we think.

Also, our self-critical inner monologues can distract us from noticing the subtle, positive cues that others are sending our way.

Plus, we’re often too wrapped up in our own insecurities to realize that most people aren’t judging us nearly as harshly, especially if they’re busy judging themselves harshly. 😂

Here’s A Fun Twist…

While we’re busy obsessing over how we appear to others, our conversation partners are likely doing the same thing!

Researchers found that people often worry about whether they’ve made a good impression, which means they’re likely not scrutinizing you nearly as much as you fear. It’s like a secret club of mutual overthinking - only nobody’s paying enough attention to notice each other’s imagined blunders!

Instead of fixating on your decision to overshare about your wild karaoke night, they’re probably wondering if their comment about preferred pizza toppings was too controversial.

The Cherry On Top

Science suggests that conversations, even with strangers, tend to be more enjoyable than we predict.

A study showed that people expect chatting with someone new to feel awkward or forced, but the reality is often much more pleasurable. Once the ice breaks, these exchanges can leave both parties feeling surprisingly connected and upbeat. This tendency towards underestimating the positive, known as a “misforecast,” means we miss out on opportunities for joy because we’re dreading the discomfort that rarely materializes.

So, if you’ve been dodging that neighbor’s casual “hello” or avoiding networking events, consider this your sign to dive in - you might just find it’s way more fun (and less cringe-worthy) than you think.

Image 3 via BetterUp on Linkedin

Less Criticism, More Connection!

The next time you feel that you’re overanalyzing a conversation, remember: you’re probably a lot more likable than you give yourself credit for. It’s not your choice of pizza topping that makes you attractive, it’s just you being you!

Your conversation partner might simply be hoping for a chance to chat again. Let this little insight on the liking gap be a reminder to cut yourself some slack and trust in the value of good conversation.

For more details, you can review this article: The Liking Gap in Conversations: Do People Like Us More Than We Think?

Questions:

1) When was the last time you met someone new? How did you feel?

2) What can you do to feel more connected in your conversations?

3) What’s your favorite pizza topping??